by nascarcasm | Thursday, April 28, 2022
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The NFL Draft kicks off this evening, and in honor of this annual ritual, we’re holding our own NASCAR version of the event. I will choose 10 drivers based on my personal criteria. Most importantly, scouting reports will be provided. Feel free to join. Without further ado, the choices will appear.
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Scouts report: “An ambitious, determined and pioneering driver. One historic win to his name in 2021 and he was in a position to win three more times in 2022. His ultra-quick prowess are among the best in the Cup Series. And he could have McDonald’s door for free to my house, where I’ll be relaxing in my free Columbia gear listening to music on my free Beats by Dre headphones while sipping my free Dr. Pepper. I’m a red-blooded American and want to grab Bubba’s amazing lineup of sponsors – sue me.”
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Scouts report: “He has an incredible ability to work his way up front, likely due to years of sitting in first grade at school because he couldn’t see over anyone’s heads. Incredible sportsmanship and class. Multiple victories on the horizon. Just hope he hasn’t. He left because he thought the draft was already over.”
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Scouts report: “Kyle is a future Hall of Famer and a real driver. The qualifications and skills are unquestionable. However, we need honest feedback during the race. He spares our feelings a lot. When we ask how the car handles, he shouldn’t say what it used to do,” The point is that you tried very hard and I really appreciate your hard work. I don’t want to say anything unpleasant or undesirable. We feel we can reach that goal.”
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The Scouts report: “He’s arguably the most progress of any NASCAR driver. I won the Xfinity Series and Daytona 500. Plus, we really needed an indoor NBA center and someone in the shop who could change fluorescent lights without a ladder.”
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Scouts report: “I’m still waiting for the first win, but it makes up for with an intangible weirdness that’s hard to describe in words. He drives like a veteran but looks like a teenager stocking shelves at Whole Foods Market.”
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Scouts report: “Poise and determination when the championship is on the line. Small in stature, its lack of bulk helps drive the race car faster. And that’s not the only area where it has a noticeable lighter weight.”
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Scouts report: “She won around 49 Cup Series races in 2021, which is amazing considering there are only 36 races on the schedule. Variety of interests and skills, which includes sprints, sprints and also races. Good lateral movement, which allows him to By throwing effective external barriers, sometimes at people who are not teammates.”
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Scouts report: “Young man, but has the leadership abilities of someone twice his age (ie, like, 26). Seven career victories already in the Xfinity Series, with the potential to graduate to the next level (the word is he knows someone with a Cup Series team). He’ll save Our team has a great chance of winning every weekend, and a dedicated driver in and out of celebration when we do (for at least a few more years). I can’t wait to discuss his potential with him once he removes his helmet.”
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Scouts report: “Good sneaky performance getting better every year. Great status awareness on the right track that should help the team return to long-term success. Mental efficiency is second to none. Like a good running back, take a quick look at it and somehow turn into sales.” on T-shirts.
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Scout Report: “The high-engine runner is not afraid to take or give blows (ask A.J. Allmendinger). An aggressive approach strikes fear into other competitors, who see him coming in and get out of his way (see Talladega). Great teeth. The ability to eat watermelon indicates the ability to eat watermelon from A racetrack covered in dirt without gastrointestinal disease leads to an immune system that can withstand Thanos.”